glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
