The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
