I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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