I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
