you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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