Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
