I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
