I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
