im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
