I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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