the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
