he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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