Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
