Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
