I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
