hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
