I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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