im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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