What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
