I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I need to sanitize my soul.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
