Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
