Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
