I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
