I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
