Heybabeimwearingurpanties
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
