You don't have asthma, your pregnant
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
