Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
