A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
