when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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