She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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