Umm I'm too high to move.
from now on my penis is your penis
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
