I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
