Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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