just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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