How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize