lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
