no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
