My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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