glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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