Dude my mom stole all your condoms
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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