If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
