God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
