sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
