dude i'm inner monologue high
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
