My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You pole danced in your parka.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
