i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
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I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
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What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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