We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
