I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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