____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
