atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
