piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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