Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
How does it feel to date your dad?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
