but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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