Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
