She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
